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The Inaugural Universe World Cup

Guest contributor Joshua Yetman kicks off the universe’s most important tournament.

doctors-who-world-cup

Unless you’ve been living firmly under a rock, or you have a gold membership at Hermits United, then you must know that we are currently in the midst of the 2014 FIFA World cup.

Love it or loathe it, this quadrennial football competition is one of the world’s most observed sporting events, and billions of people will tune in over the coming weeks to witness their nations prove themselves either victorious or utterly impotent against the rest of the world.

“BORING!”, I hear you screech. I would certainly expect such a reaction! The intersection of the set of Whovians and the set of football enthusiasts isn’t exactly huge (at least I believe), so how about we try to make it a little bit more interesting for ourselves? Let’s Who-ify the FIFA World cup!

There are several ways we could go about doing this. My first idea was to consider a World Cup orchestrated purely by Moffat, but I found myself with a rather oddly imagined tournament where half the teams vanished from existence before the matches even started, England performed so badly that the poor manager had to fake his own death using a robot replica of himself to escape a lynching from the fans, and Paisley was the unanticipated World champion.

So, instead, how about we consider a World Cup where the teams consist of the greatest characters and monsters of the show? Let’s analyse their strengths and weaknesses in the context of the inaugural and rather oddly named Universe World Cup!

Team Doctor

The Lodger FootyOut of the Doctor’s numerous incarnations to date, you could easily form a strong 11-side football team with two iterations to spare. This would certainly be the multi-Doctor event to end all multi-Doctor events, and certainly an oddity to witness in action! To be fair to the slightly more disadvantaged incarnations, it may be best for One and War to perhaps sit out on this one, but I’m sure they could provide ample moral support on the sidelines, or just have idle conversation (“What’s was the final score, dear boy?” ; “Nil-nil I’m afraid. The Doctor’s score no more…”).

Eleven, who proved himself as a proficient and skilled footballer in “The Lodger” much to his own surprise and delight, would obviously make an excellent striker for this hypothetical team. His youth, skill and energy would make him the best player by far. Nine as well, I feel, would be a great forward (fun fact: Chris desired to be a professional footballer from a young age, just like Matt, and both of them are quite skilled in the sport).

However, I would strongly support Seven as team captain, due to his cunning and contemplative skills. He would be able to run Team Doctor most efficiently and tactically (after all, Seven was a true gamemaster!), and he can easily manipulate the opponents.

Five would probably be out of his element here, preferring balls of the cricket variety and being a slightly more physically reserved incarnation, but, being a more youthful Doctor, him and Ten would still make great defenders, as both of them (especially Ten) are good runners and are very quick of the mark. In goal, I’d advocate Six, simply because no opponent could possibly focus on the task in hand with the monumental colourful distraction that is Six’s coat (yup, all the Doctor’s are playing in their canonical outfits – picture the absurdity).

Three, being a very action orientated Doctor and with a smorgasbord of defensive moves would – appropriately – be great in defence, providing he doesn’t get carried away and gets landed with a red card for accidentally Aikido chopping an opponent. The remaining Doctors can be dotted around the midfield, and we would ultimately create an oddly strong team!

The main disadvantage of this team, however, is the possible temporal anomalies caused by the fact the Doctor is playing with himself eleven times over! That and bickering.

Team Dalek

dalek-football-world-cup-2014The Daleks wouldn’t make the best football team, to be perfectly honest. That is probably the understatement of the century, but in the context of this article, it’s worth reiterating! Daleks are neither fast (at least on the ground), manoeuvrable, nor particularly adept in the moving of spherical objects (unless it’s a Void ship).

However, Daleks are tactical geniuses, and football is all about tactics. The Dalek in “Dalek” was able to calculate a thousand billions combinations a second – how long would it really take the Daleks to map out a football field and project the possible actions of their opponents? Femtoseconds, probably! But can they really do anything to put their deduced tactics into action? Not really, given their aforementioned physical limitations. Still, the sheer physical size of the Paradigm Daleks will make one of them excellent as a goalkeeper if nothing else.

Plus, I’m not a football expert, but I think the extermination of an opponent is probably something worthy of a red card, so it is possible that the whole Dalek side will be sent off in a matter of moments anyway (not unless they exterminate the referee!).

Team Cyberman

cyberman-football-world-cup-2014Who can forget that iconic Radio Times cover back in 2006, juxtaposing the Dalek vs. Cybermen war in “Doomsday” with the 2006 FIFA World cup final (which was to air the day afterwards)? It was a fantastic cover, and begs the question: What would a Cyberman team be like?

Well, they’d be better than the Daleks, that’s for sure, seeing as they actually have legs, but we have to consider what type of Cyberman we’re using here. The Cybus Cybermen were always a bit slow, maladroit, and ‘stompish’, and exceedingly easy to run away from. That kind of makes them both a rubbish defence and offence, though they’d be difficult to beat in a tackle due to their sheer strength.

The new Cybermen introduced in “Nightmare in Silver”, however, would be a terrifying football team to face. Not only are the Nightmare Cybermen mind-bogglingly speedy and considerably more dexterous than their predecessors, but these Cybermen can continuously upgrade themselves to meet any challenge they come across (a fair reason why they are now overpowered as an enemy, but it’s a good thing in this particular context). This means that, for whatever advantage the opposing team may have over them, the Nightmare Cybermen will be able to adapt themselves to contest and remove said advantage very quickly. Hence, they would be the perfect team and near unbeatable without the opponents resorting to a planet-imploding bomb (which, for some reason, explodes instead).

Plus, there are no lack of substitutes for Team Cybermen. If they ran out of players, they could make more out of the crowd!

Team Silent

silent-football-world-cup-2014Silents could make a truly excellent side as well. Fighting an enemy you can’t physically remember proved troublesome for the Doctor in “Day of the Moon”, so on the football pitch it’ll be comparably difficult. Forgetting who you’re playing means you can’t possibly strategise against them, and the memory wipe will be temporarily bemusing, allowing the Silents to retake possession. Being humanoid, their football ability should be somewhat comparable to that of humans, and their massive craniums would be brilliant for headers. Plus, I can just see the BBC commentary now…

“Honestly, Gary, there was nothing memorable about the first half, nothing really happened at all…”

Team Weeping Angel

weeping-angel-football-world-cup-2014Hmm… spectator sports and Weeping Angels. I wonder how this will turn out!

Providing the floodlights are kept on (note to stadium operators: for the love of Rassilon, keep the floodlights on at all times), a match against the Weeping Angels would be an absolute doddle. However, we know that the image of an angel is an angel, so the mere fact that the World Cup is broadcast to billions of people via millions of TV screens is…rather terrifying, to say the least!

Team Sontaran

sontaran-football-world-cup-2014“This isn’t war, this is sport…literally!”

Sontarans love war, and although a game of football isn’t fully akin to their preferred hobby of violent weapon-induced bloodshed, they’d still relish the opportunity of competition and will still try to “destroy” their opponents. Their stocky frames will allow them to charge through the field with ease, and will make tackling difficult for the opponents, but their small size might make goalkeeping tricky. Plus, the success of the team will heavily depend on the clone batches used; a team consisting of 11 Strax’s, for example, will probably be prone to confusion, distractions, and playing with their grenades instead of the ball.

So…who will win?

We’ve considered 6 different teams, each with distinct advantages and disadvantages on the field, but which one would win the coveted Universe World cup? Well, the Weeping Angels certainly leave with the wooden spoon (or should it be the stone spoon), and I think the final would be definitely contested between the Silents and the Nightmare Cybermen, the strongest two teams by far.

Who wins this final depends on the following – are the Nightmare Cybermen affected by the memory proof abilities of the Silents, and if they are, can they adapt themselves so that they can remember them? The likely answer to this intriguing question is yes (seriously, the Nightmare Cybermen are ridiculously OP), so, the winner of the inaugural Universe World Cup is…

Team Cyberman!

Are there any other monsters you think would perform well in the Universe World Cup? Leave your thoughts below.

But anyway, see you guys in 4 years for the next Universe World Cup, being held exclusively on Clom!

Step back in time...

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108 comments
doctorwhomultiverse
doctorwhomultiverse

Fourth Doctor would win he could use the key of time to trap his enemies in a space time loop ... Let's see how long it takes the cybermen to upgrade themselves past that!

Clara Who is pushed beyond, fascinated No More
Clara Who is pushed beyond, fascinated No More

My Team Doctors: 

       12 (GK)

2 --- 6 ---:8 ---7

       3 -----, 9. 

    10 --- 5 --- 11

             4

Manager: 1. Team doctor: War 

9 or 5 could switch positions if wanted





Radsss
Radsss

I love FOOTBALL!!! And I love Doctor Who! (But I love football more) so yeah a football loving 'whovian'-suck on that! Obviously gutted about england tho

The_Ogri
The_Ogri

The Ogri would be absolutely terrifying, It would be hard to get across the rules and the point of SOCCER to them though, when I can't even figure to out. Also there are positions in soccer?

B910
B910

I know this villain was a one timer, but I think the Beast was just incredible and could easily win just as a team of one, or if they don't allow that (I actually think it would be fair since he's so, oh what's the word? ENORMOUS!!!) then he could simply possess people to play for him. Of course he might try to start possessing the other team, but I don't think the ref would care since he'd be one of the first to be possessed.

gunslinger19
gunslinger19

if you think about it, the clothes that the angels are wearing probably are not really stone and if the ball gets beneath their dresses, how could you get it back out? also, the real issue would emerge if the opposing team looked into their eyes, at which point the angels would possess the other team. so im not so sure that the angels would do too badly. and they can certainly turn off any floodlights and at full speed, they could outrun a cyberman id imagine.

ahunter8056
ahunter8056

Although I absolutely loathe, detest (additional strong adjectives for dislike here) football, I found this article amusing to read and quite interesting.

doctorwhomultiverse
doctorwhomultiverse

Ice warriors would be down before the match even started as its too hot for them in Brazil... Wow just imagine them in Quatar!

Muxerman
Muxerman

I'm rooting for Terra Alpha's team, the Gleeful Goalers :P 


TheDreamer
TheDreamer

I wish I DID have a gold membership at Hermits United... Where do I get one?

Liana21
Liana21

The Spanish looked the other day like Weeping Angels, they barely moved.

I like the photo you've put, Sylvester looks cool on the gear and the hat (and Matt hot, but that you know, that's a common thought on my mind).

doctorwhomultiverse
doctorwhomultiverse

Nobody would win except Omega if the game was in his universe as his will is reality there!

DaftDalek is Ceter Papaldi: Moon Lives!
DaftDalek is Ceter Papaldi: Moon Lives!

I think we forget something kind of obvious, a Time Lords team, although I believe we can all agree that the best teams would be Mentors and Adipose.

bl0ndie98
bl0ndie98

Football really annoys me. It's just a load of wimpy over-payed guy kicking a ball around, then screaming when they get a tap on the knee. Rugby is a real sport.

floppy_who
floppy_who

Where are the Radio Times World Cup covers with Team Dalek and Team Cyberman?

doctorwhomultiverse
doctorwhomultiverse

The Beast would win! He could break glass without even touching it so he could just moe the ball in a similar way and the other team won't be able to touch it!

Thomas Thomas
Thomas Thomas

"The intersection of the set of Whovians and the set of football enthusiasts isn’t exactly huge" Not a lot of us, but I'm one of those in the intersection. 



The Finn
The Finn

Wouldn't the opposing team only forget the Silence when they're not looking at them?

Stickmanville
Stickmanville

As much as I hate sports, I found this article very entertaining. I believe the Silents would win this though because the Silents seem to be superior in strength to the Cybermen. Remember in Time of the Doctor,the Silents were successfully fighting the Cybermen.

TardisBoy
TardisBoy

As much as I bloomin' hate, hate, hate the sport, this was a wonderfully written and hugely entertaining article. Well done! You made me laugh XD

Night at the Whovies
Night at the Whovies

And I'm not sure how the cybermen would go with the golden trophy, as long as they have been updated at that point!

Night at the Whovies
Night at the Whovies

Now, I know what I'm getting myself into here . . .

But the Slitheen might be a good team as one or two of the scenes they were in they were extremely agile and worked as a team great. Seeing as they like hunting, chasing and tackling someone with the ball might be right up their alley.

StephenAHayes
StephenAHayes

What a bizarre yet entertaining article. Loved it.

Team Cyberman though would definitely win but I think team Silurian would be facing them in the final...

doctorwhomultiverse
doctorwhomultiverse

Funny thing is the cybermen would be playing to win a trophy.... Made of gold! So they can't really take it home.

doctorwhomultiverse
doctorwhomultiverse

The sixth Doctor's arrogance would annoy the opposition so much forcing them to forfeit.

Jeavons
Jeavons

Team Zygon, can literally transform into anything they need to be to win a game :D

sontaran17
sontaran17

I just read through the article in shock! A permanent "What?...." Was suspended on my lips - What a strange, original wacky article! I loved it!

MaraBackman
MaraBackman

Can't say that I would have imagined the Whoniverse through the lens of football. I can however imagine most races in the franchise being absolutely devastating in a game of rugby or American football (which I've played myself), because those games allow for more rough-housing. My money would be on team Mentor, because they could hire all the burly Ogrons they'll need. :P

Trenzalore
Trenzalore

Well I was just gonna watch a bit of Pertwee to stop the football bug getting me :P

Planet of the Deaf
Planet of the Deaf

It's depressing watching England lose, but then I go on the the internet and check out the the latest Jenna Coleman filming pictures and suddenly I feel better again!

Huknar
Huknar

Nope, still not interested. I hate the mere mention of football.

PaddyB
PaddyB

@DaftDalek McDonalds sponsoring a team of Adipose would actually be appropriate for once!

Creepy_Ghoul
Creepy_Ghoul

@The Finn I think Team Doctor will have an advantage there as The Eleventh Doctor will tell his predecessors how to defend themselves against the Silents. Plus, if one of them falls out the team, they have Capaldi to fall in. Imagine: "Alright, Silents. YOU'RE DOOMED!"



LGwalchmai95
LGwalchmai95

@Planet of the DeafJenna Coleman makes everything better :). Who needs to drown their sorrows, we should just show everyone pictures of Jenna Coleman. It would save everyone money and the annoyance of a massive hangover, plus it'd put a smile on everyone's faces! :)

PaddyB
PaddyB

"I dispose both sports."

As in you throw both sports in the bin? Or maybe you are inclined towards playing football and rugby? Sorry, I'm being an annoying spelling corrector!